With the holiday season (also known as my birthday) approaching, we all have gift-giving on our minds. It’s such a lovely thing to give gifts, isn’t it? We get to feel all warm and fuzzy that our hard-earned money generosity has brought a smile to our partner’s face and rest assured that we’re getting some extra-deluxe ass tonight we’ve shown him how much we care. That’s when the gift-giving goes well. If it goes wrong then you’ll probably end up feeling more cold and lonely than warm and fuzzy and your partner will be left knowing thinking that you don’t know anything about her at all. This is why we must be extra, extra careful about the gifts we buy for the people we’re bumping uglies with dating. The right gift can advance you from just the tip to put it anywhere you want in about 0.05 seconds, while the wrong gift will set you back to hand-holding and above the neck petting just that quick.

For us ladies, knowing what the right gift to buy for our dude involves an algorithm that takes into account factors such as his age, height, dick size, race, occupation, duration of the relationship, direction of the wind, and marital status of his friends. It’s way too complicated for a Monday morning so we’ll pick that up at a later time. But for you, my dear men, I’m give you 5 gifts you must never (ever), ever buy your girl: 1. An invitation to improve herself. However much she might need it, the one thing your girl does not want for her birthday is the truth with a big shiny bow on it. So pre-registering her for a Blow Jobs for Dummies course is gonna go over like a lead balloon – even if she’s continually leaving tooth marks on your shaft. Similarly, signing her up to get her colours done, or for a laser hair removal consult is only going to remind her of the things you don’t like about her, which is going to make her feel insecure, which will manifest as anger, which equals no sex for you. So just don’t do it to yourself.

Now in theory, buying makeup for your girl seems like a great idea. It’s expensive, which makes you look generous, but without any of the implications of jewelry. Brilliant right? But here’s the thing: 9 times out of 10 you are going to buy the wrong thing and mess shit up for your girl. No matter how careful you are, you are going to buy NC45 instead of NW45 or just get a Mineralize SkinFinish when what she really needs is a Mineralize SkinFinish Natural. Then you’re screwed because a) you bought the wrong thing which shows your girl that you don’t pay attention to her maquillage and b) your girl is going to look jacked up because she’s using the wrong shit on her face thanks to you. And even if you get it right you still lose. Why? Because your girl is either going to think you’re a homosexual (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and that’s why you were able to select the right products for her or you got some other bitch to help you pick it out.

Men, lean in close and read this carefully: there is nothing less romantic than buying an iron for your girlfriend. I don’t care how much she loves cooking, do not buy your girl a George Foreman grill for her birthday. It’s like giving her an invitation to cook for your ass for the rest of her life and it is not going to gain you any blowjobs favours. If you really lack the imagination to come up with a better gift, at least buy her a gift card and leave the decision up to her. There is one exception here and that is the KitchenAid Stand-Up Mixer. You can always buy that for your girl because it is expensive the holy grail of household appliances. 5. CD’s & DVD’s I’m not even gonna give you a big rant here. Unless it is something extremely rare and/or much-wanted, just do better than this. Please. Well that’s my list – what do you guys think? Ladies is there anything you don’t want to get from a man? Men have you ever given a girl one of the above gifts? Chime in in the comments and don’t forget to vote!